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Mini Musings #4

Sitting in the dark of the moon, I am deep in contemplation; absorbing all the messages that I have received during my meditations, the intuitive nudges, the piecing together the seemingly random thoughts and scattered emotions into a tidy, connected and completed puzzle. This last lunar cycle has witnessed the release of that which needed to be freed, as well as feeling the sea of emotion that was involved in the process, the ebbs and flows, highs and lows, deep lows.

This past cycle has brought great clarity and vision, interspersed between deep depths of anxiety and loneliness, real feelings of sorrow, self pity and grief, much of which comes when we go within to do the work of the shadow. I have made decisions and changes for my long term and immediate future, set wheels in motion and made a commitment to myself which I have only been able to do since I’ve had the time and space to get honest with my truth. And it feels good, it feels right, and only a little scary but that fear is coming from my ego so it can go raffle because it’s neither helpful or necessary.

With the Taurean New Moon, I will act upon those changes that I have initiated, calling on the tenacity and stubborn bull of this earth sign to aid in my success. This new lunar cycle will see further growth of my passions, my creativity, my path and journey, deepening of my practice and embracing my values and priorities, living them fully. And none of it is for the public domain, none of it will be shared, just as much of what I have been experiencing these past weeks has been private. The internet holds very little interest for me at the present; I am uninspired by it, learning nothing new, and I find it utterly draining, depleting my energy levels in an instant.

So, I’m signing off for the time being and will resurface when the time feels right.

With love and blessings

Lissa xx

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Mini Musings #3

Self care


How are you looking after yourself during this period of social isolation/distancing?
What practices do you have in place to make sure that you are in the best health to deal with the challenges life is throwing at us?
Me: holding space for myself, focussing on my spiritual practice, meditation and getting a walk through the woods. Basically listening to what it is I need and am feeling. Yep this is how I self care in normal circumstances, alongside journaling the fuck out of life itself.

What it looks like just now for this introvert has been 3 weeks of guilt free social bugger all. Granted the first week I was down with suspected C19, but for the past 2 weeks it has meant that I haven’t needed to be anywhere other than home and that is where I should be! Taking care of me, my family, the world!

In all seriousness, I have even enacted social distancing from social media. This has been necessary for me, my emotional health and my monkey brain. Friends have been checking in via text message or telephone call, which is lovely, we can have a good old blether followed by hanging up or setting phone down without the automatic IG or FB scroll. The constant social noise was simply too much so all socials, including email, were deleted off my phone on Sunday with the plan to be off line for a week, but in truth I may extend it past the weekend. The absolute lack of social interaction has been the biggest gift of self care I have given myself. Now, for someone who practically lives on the internet, you would think that that would/should be causing untold levels of anxiety but it has actually been the exact opposite.

What am I doing with all the internet free time? Mainly reading! Going through my bookshelves and kindle and finishing the half read books; planning out my garden and sowing seeds both in pots and in the fertile soil of my imagination of what the garden will look like once in full bloom and fruit; still meditating and journaling because those are my selfcare practice/ritual/non-negotionables. My timescales have changed, no longer am I setting my alarm to get up at stupid o’clock to get my “me-time”, I now get up when I wake up. Life is without routine currently; I am not running about all over the country taking my 10year old to his groups and meet ups, so I can take time to journal or meditate at any point in the day that it suits.

Holding the space for me and my family to find our way into a new normal, through this period of testing times is where my self care is at. Watching the news and discussing my 10yr old and 78yr old’s questions (multi-generational household), helping them to understand what’s going on and why, as well and keeping them both safe and healthy. Being able to breathe and not feel guilty that I’m not there for everyone else. My business probably won’t thank me for this social distancing measure, but at this moment in time, that’s not my priority.

When I come back online, and I will, I need to know that I can be there for those who need m to be, but until then, I need to focus on caring for this one and know that that is okay.

With love and blessings

Lissa xx

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Mini Musings #2

How are you feeling today?

I haven’t experienced any panic or anxiety about the pandemic but instead find that I am channeling more anger and frustration. Particularly around some folk’s sense of “entitlement” and “I’m OK Jack” mindset. It’s not OK and that’s where I find my energy is being directed, and vocally too!

Despite the strict social distancing measures placed upon the country to help us all, to save lives and to protect the vulnerable, some people are still flouting the measures. It is impossible to call it willful ignorance, no-one can avoid the daily drenching of information and breaking news, even if it is only a trickle! It’s pure and utter willful fucking selfishness.

I have been in a particular supermarket recently and both times I went in, I had to tell different members of staff to back the fuck off out of my personal space. Why is it so difficult?

My husband works in a frontline industry and a few of his colleagues there are also showing difficulties in understanding the concept of 2m distance and working independently. It actually gives me the rage.

As I mentioned, my go-to emotion surrounding the whole pandemic has been frustration and anger (generally around other people’s selfish behaviours) rather than anxiety about the state of affairs and I’ve been thinking about why. The conclusion I’ve come to is that I’m angry with myself. I didn’t take the initial threats seriously when the virus was spreading through China and even glibbly commented “calm down, you’re more likely to get cancer than corona”. Oh how that bit me on the arse! I was the first of my group of friends to take the virus! More people are still dying from cancer and poverty ever day than from covid-19, however, the reality is that even more people will now do so as resources are stretched to the limit dealing with the aforementioned cancers and all other illnesses with covid-19 now piling on top and its all a matter of priority.

I’m frustrated because this “thing” is outwith our control, outwith my control. I’m frustrated and annoyed with initial government inaction, frustrated and angry that we don’t have the resources to properly equip our medical people, frustrated and thoroughly pissed off at all the Tory voters who have continued to vote for governance that has sold and scaled back the NHS to the point of breaking had the audacity to stand and clap for the NHS workers the other evening.

But I also know that sitting stewing in my own juices helps no-one, myself included! So instead I’m focussing on what I can control and what I can do; keep my own family safe and well, calling my parents daily to chat and my son video calls his friends and cousins to stay intouch, I take my daily walk, observing the distancing measures if others are approaching, and keep the wee bottle of hand sanitiser in my bag at all times.

Minding my own business when the neighbour invites the other neighbour’s kid over to play is a challenge though I have to admit. I did rather than lose my shit, ranting about it in our kitchen when that actually happened, resulting in my kid suggesting I need anger management classes – oops!

I am not the police and won’t police my community but I do reserve the right to call out those behaving irresponsibly or like entitled twats, even if it is just to myself!

With love and blessings

Lissa xx

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Mini Musings #1

Suspected Coronavirus and recovery

As the number of positive cases of Coronavirus /Covid19 soar across the globe, we are being updated by the hour with statistics of how many have it and how many have died. But where are the statistics on the number of people who have the virus but have never been tested? How many people have had it already and have come through the other side? Those are the real figures and statistics that we need to add a healthy dose of realism to the pandemic. The stories that give people hope when the news is full of death and despair. These are the figures and statistics we will never get. Dr Catherine Calderwood, Chief Medical Officer in Scotland estimated last week that 65,000 people in Scotland could have the virus at that point in time, but since people are self isolating, there is no accurate record.

I believe I am one such (non)statistic.

It began with a head ache on the evening of Wednesday 11th March. On the Thursday morning I could barely get out of bed; every joint and muscle in my body ached, I was running a fever and had a bone deep fatigue that I’ve never before experienced. To bed I went and slept and rested. This was followed the following day with raised glands in my throat/neck and swollen tonsils. The symptoms remained for 6 days. Twice I thought I was on the mend, got up, did some housework and twice I was slapped back down by the virus and returned to my bed. Never once did I have a cough nor any difficulty breathing. It felt like the flu I had when I was 14; in bed for a week and missed my exams at school. On Day 8 had I still be symptomatic, I would have called NHS111 but I have made a full recovery and am well. The only lingering thing I have is 1 slightly swollen tonsil and an achey gland on that same side but they can take 2-3 weeks to subside (thank you google).

There was no call to NHS111 or to my GP as per the guidelines provided. There is no record of this illness/virus on my medical file. No-one knows I was ill apart from family and those to whom I told ( it was on my instagram stories too). And I won’t be the only one. In the 2 weeks that have past since I recovered I know of 4 friends, scattered across the Central Belt, who have been symptomatic, members of extended family too, experiencing worse or less cases than I had. I had a mild dose by all accounts.

I am sharing this today because I know it is scary out there when watching the constant Breaking News on TV or online, there is no hiding from the updates, but I wanted to gently remind people that there are far, far more people who will take the virus and who will come through it as they would most other viruses or bugs, with varying degrees of severity but not everyone will become a statistic on the news.

Sadly some people will not be as lucky as I was, a friend has lost a close relative to the virus already. Too many people have indeed lost their lives to Covid19, and I doubt that many of us will emerge from the situation untouched by C19.

It is not my intention to diminish real fears and concerns for the health of our loved ones and ourselves, my intention is as I said at the top of this wee ramble, that I want to share a positive recovery , which most cases will result in, during a most terrible time that we are all facing together.

With love and blessings

Lissa xx